One Year Older and Wiser too...

Cleo is a year old!

If that's not cause for celebration, I don't know what is.

But celebrating is hard today.

I wish it wasn't but wishing never works.

Last year, my family and I went through the scariest thing we've ever experienced. I went to bed feeling horrible and woke up feeling worse. My instincts screamed at me to go see a doctor immediately. 

When I did, she said those dreaded words: You need to check into Labor and Delivery right now.

Never before had I felt pure terror. Never before had I felt such helpless panic. Never before had I prayed so hard.

But today is a happy day, now. At least it's supposed to be and I will do my best to remember it that way. There were some good moments mixed in with the terrifying. Not all of them were significant, but they help me grab onto the tiny bits of light floating around those memories and see things differently.

• The hospital food was really tasty.
• Mike stayed by my side the entire time (except when I had him go home to grab me some personal items).
• My parents and mother-in-law dropped everything and came to Idaho.
• Nova was well taken-care-of and relatively happy.
• My doctors and nurses were friendly and helpful.
• My body lasted just long enough.
• The c-section was calm and peaceful (mostly thanks to the amazing cocktail of anti-anxiety drugs they pumped through my IV).
• Cleo cried three times when she was born. It was the most beautiful sound in the entire universe.
• I felt immense peace after she was born.
• She lived.
• We had a lovely post-delivery meal provided by the hospital.
• I had so much love and support by family and friends.

It's been a long year. This day, I hope, will continue to bring good memories. 

Right now, as I type, Cleo is playing adorably in her bassinet. She makes content sounds as she chews on her toys and gazes at her mobile. When I bend over the side, she smiles at me. 

Life is good.

She's bright, happy, and has brought so much joy to our lives. I've learned and grown past what I thought was possible. I've evolved into someone I couldn't even imagine a year ago.

Happy Birthday my amazing miracle child.

You're meant for great things.

Grow, thrive, live.