Worth the Wait

Everyone's journey is different.

Because of that, I wanted to speak about mine in hopes it helps someone through a dark period.

Right now, we are in a state of bliss. It still doesn't feel completely real because the baby is only the size of a lime (according to my app) and I don't feel any kicks and I'm not really showing (right now it looks like I ate a big lunch). I've been lucky enough to see the baby three times already through ultrasound and each time is remarkable. This last time I could see little arms and legs. But...I don't think I'll fully believe I'm pregnant until the first kick. Or maybe when we find out the gender.

We weren't always in this happy state of mind. It took a long time to get here.

When Nova turned two, we decided to try for another baby. She's now almost five years old. It definitely took longer than expected because Nova happened so quickly. After the first year, I started to become numb to the whole experience. The excitement and anticipation turned into a dull ache. Every month was the same. I tracked my ovulation, I changed my diet, I took supplements, Mike took supplements, and nothing worked. After that first year, I stopped testing and just waited for the inevitable sign I wasn't pregnant. It always came.

I know what you're going to ask. No, we never saw a doctor. At one point, I had an appointment at a fertility clinic but I cancelled it. Why? Because one thing that never stopped during this whole experience was my communication with God. I prayed incessantly. I prayed mostly to know what to do...keep trying? Take a break? See a doctor?

I didn't initially get any strong answers, just vague feelings. At one point both Mike and I felt it was time to take a break, which we did for several months. Another feeling I got later was that I didn't need to see a doctor, that it really would happen when it was meant to happen (which was also frustrating because why wasn't NOW the right time?!).

We gave ourselves a timeline. If I wasn't pregnant by the time Mike graduated (July 2019), then I would consult a doctor. But until then, we would be okay (theoretically) with whatever happened (or didn't happen.)

I found myself wallowing a lot, getting stuck in this horrible monthly rollercoaster of feelings. It needed to stop. Nova deserved a mother who was fully present with her. She was my shining light, my wonderful, compassionate, sweet, funny, amazing child and she needed me.

So I decided to make a big change within myself.

I wasn't going to let something I couldn't control ruin my life. My life was pretty great, I needed to see that, appreciate it, live it, and try to focus on what I could control.

In December, I stopped tracking my ovulation. I stopped taking my supplements, I changed my way of thinking. What could I control in my life that would bring joy and light?

Something I had stopped doing was scripture study. I went to the local church bookstore and bought a few little things, like a book of daily spiritual thoughts and a book about finding joy in hard times. I stopped praying to get pregnant and started praying for peace. I simply wanted to be okay with whatever happened. I decided it would be best to stop trying completely and start again after Mike had graduated. I stopped worrying about Nova not having a sibling because she is a naturally happy kid and she'll be a great sister at ANY age. I was also grateful to never have any family pressure, they knew about my struggles and were sensitive and empathetic.

What surprised me the most was how quickly the change truly made a difference. I found peace immediately, thanks to fervent prayer. I deeply felt that it wasn't the time yet, and that was okay. My heart started to heal.

January, February, March....peaceful, calm, and joyful. I grew closer to God, my spirituality grew, and I focused more on Nova (and on writing). It was easy for me to list all our blessing and I started to see the beauty in our life again. Mike also started doing the same things and our relationship was strengthened.

It's amazing what three months can do...

Because I stopped tracking everything in December, by April I had truly forgotten my body's schedule.

And well....

The thing that actually bugs me is that people were right. Just relax, it'll happen when it happens. It's the most annoying advice EVER and yet....

I always knew we would have more kids. It was something I knew deeply in my soul, there was never any doubt, but I did get very discouraged. I felt defective. I wondered why anyone had to go through infertility? It's one of the most painful experiences. I felt like it served no purpose but to bring heartache. But I have learned that perhaps the purpose for me was to help my family learn to value the things in life that matter most. And that also God does have a plan and sometimes it's not on our timeline, but His.

This baby is already immensely loved. I am extremely grateful for the time I've had with JUST Nova because our relationship is so deep and so special. She will remember the birth of her brother or sister. She will be the best helper in the world! And no one is more excited that her. She talks about "our baby" constantly.

I don't know what the future holds. We've already had our fair share of drama with this little bean (a trip to the ER because I was bleeding at 8 weeks and being diagnosed with extreme anemia and starting an insane amount of iron), but as my mom said to me in the ER, "I know this baby wants to be born." And so do I.

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