A Very Personal and Private Struggle

I've been debating whether or not I wanted to actually write this....

Mostly because it's really private and I feel like if I share it, then it's real. I also don't really want everyone in my business, but...

What tipped the scale in favor of sharing is the feeling of loneliness. Yes, there are a some people I can talk to about this in my life- Mike, a couple close friends, and my mom. But....I have this deep need to be surrounded by love and positivity right now and that need is driving me to share openly.

Alrighty. Here I go.

Every month I fall into a deep hole of despair, usually for one or two days, sometimes a whole week, because Mike and I are trying to have another baby...and it keeps failing. So like clockwork, every month when I discover our attempts have failed again I crumble. I tell myself it's okay to feel sad, my feelings are valid and shouldn't be pushed away or ignored. However, we've been trying for over a year, and this monthly depression is starting to leak into the other days of the month. It's starting to influence my thoughts and feelings all the time, not just one or two days.

To me, there is nothing more heartbreaking than a woman who wants to have a child but cannot make it happen. I find that to be one of the biggest injustices in this world. It feels like my body is betraying me, it feels like I'm broken or doing something wrong. I feel inadequate and hollow and useless. Biologically, I'm supposed to be able to do this, then add on the fact that I'm religious and believe God would want me to grow my family, and my anger/frustration/resentment/depression increases exponentially.

Pause.

I am eternally grateful for Nova. I feel so unbelievably blessed to have her in my life, especially now that we've experienced so much hardship trying to get pregnant again. I see Nova as a little miracle. I literally find myself clutching her to me and telling her how much I love her any time my thoughts go to a dark place. I desperately want to keep her young forever. When I have my super sad days, Nova notices me crying and sweetly sings the Daniel Tiger song "It's okay to feel sad sometimes, little by little you'll feel better again." Which makes me smile and cry at the same time. Eventually I do feel better and let her know, then she gives me a hug and asks "You feel happy now?" I don't know what I would do without her. I tell myself it's good for her to know sadness is normal and that even mommy cries sometimes.

And then I feel guilty for my sadness and pain. At least I have a child. I should be happy, and I am, but it's eclipsed sometimes by this sense of loss. Loss over something I've never had. The loss of time or things that could have been. Little things will trigger the sadness, like stumbling across my old maternity clothes or my pregnancy journal...realizing that months ago I had the thought "by June I'll probably be pregnant"...then June is gone. I feel foolish for having that thought in the first place. I feel idiotic for buying a maternity shirt six months ago or thinking "maybe I shouldn't buy new shoes because if I get pregnant my feet won't fit them anyways." I stopped thinking those things recently. I feel like something inside me has been defeated. I used to ardently avoid caffeinated sodas because you shouldn't drink caffeine if you're trying to get pregnant. Now I find myself thinking "what's the point?"

It's made worse when I see Nova interact with a baby. She LOVES babies. She also loves playing with other kids and my heart breaks because I haven't been able to give her a sibling. When we go to the park and there aren't any other kids there, I feel immense sadness because Nova has no one to play with...but if she had a brother or sister she would never have to play alone.

As I write this tears are falling down my face. It's hard to see all my thoughts and feelings and fears in writing. But it's also cathartic, to type it all out, to let others in on my pain.

Of course, I feel conflicted when I see friends pregnant with their second or third or fourth child and jealousy surges. I feel envious of those with a child younger than Nova and a little baby in their arms. I wonder why not me? What's wrong with me? Am I not a good enough mother to be blessed with another? Pregnancy announcements is like salt in the wound. I'm happy for them and also insanely jealous...and kind of bitter.

I hurt. Every day. But I try to not let it show. I press on because I have an amazing kid to take care of and other responsibilities. I make sure to consciously list all of my blessings and to say everything I'm grateful for in my life...there are many things...but it doesn't completely heal all those deep wounds.

So please, don't ask me when we're planning to have another. Don't tell me "It'll happen when it happens" because I've heard that enough. Don't tell me to relax. I don't need fertility advice. I can promise that YES I've already heard it and I've researched it all obsessively. You can assume we are doing everything we can.

All I need is to be surrounded with love right now. I don't want to feel alone in this. I am really struggling and could use words of sympathy.

So there it is. The deepest part of my soul revealed for the whole world. *gulp*