When you have a profoundly negative emotional experience, the feeling it leaves when all is over and done is something akin to being filled with acid. You desperately want to burst, but can't for fear of hurting someone around you. The longer you keep the bad feelings inside, the more it erodes and burns. But how can you let it out without looking bitter or petty or selfish?
I'll stop being vague. But this is how I'm currently feeling. After two long and big arguments with people I considered friends, I'm feeling a little burned and in completely different ways.
I don't want to dwell on the actual disagreements, but rather how they came about and how I can move forward. I want to talk more about the nature of disagreement and some of the things I notice that make them worse than they should be.
Firstly: Admitting you're wrong is hard.
That's a massive understatement. It's near impossible and rare when someone in an argument hears the other side, pauses, and says "You're right. I'm so sorry." It takes a lot of patience, a lot of self-reflection, and a bucket-load of empathy. It takes active listening, too. Most of us are just waiting until it's our turn to talk rather than actively listening to the other person we're speaking to. And that's just normal conversations! Arguments are charged with strong mind-clouding emotions. It takes SO much humility and will power to stop and hear and process what the other person is saying.
Otherwise the argument goes in circles and no one benefits.
My first large disagreement was on an issue I'm passionate about (so emotions are automatically heightened) but I also feel I was completely right. That's dangerous because it means you won't yield your point at all. When someone feels completely right listening to the other side instantly stops. That alienates the other person and puts them on the defensive, therefore they won't listen to your side- no matter how right you are.
My second large disagreement was because something I said ended up inadvertently hitting a nerve and hurting a friend. Luckily, our conversation was more productive because both sides were equally right and wrong and both of us (eventually) were able to see that. However, the beginning was a lot of yelling and a lot of insults. That's never a good thing. There were some things said in that discussion that will probably sting for a long time.
With both of these arguments, I keep coming to the same conclusion.
Secondly: Honey, not vinegar.
Wars have started because both sides refuse to admit any fault.
If we just look to the characteristics valued by Christ: Compassion, humility, meekness, charity, patience, courage, long-suffering, gratitude, resilience, wisdom, forgiveness, love, and many other virtues, we can strengthen our relationship with others rather than poison them.
When we argue, we tend to argue with anger, contempt, self-righteousness, arrogance, animosity, cruelty, pride, and carelessness.
We aim to harm rather than uplift.
At this point, I'm deeply saddened and ashamed by my role in both arguments. I know I'm not perfect, I know I am profoundly flawed, but I should have known better. My passion and emotions somehow always get the better of me.
They say acceptance is the first step towards recovery. I don't know if I have accepted this part of me, but I am aware and awareness is important. Most people aren't even aware of how they act during times of great emotional struggle or arguments. I know where to improve in order to avoid arguments like the kind I've had recently.
KINDNESS -- Honey, not vinegar.
COMPASSION -- Think about the other person's feelings and see their perspective.
HUMILITY -- Admit when you're wrong and say "I'm sorry" more often with true sincerity.
LOVE -- Remember why you care.
PATIENCE -- Gentle persistence and understanding the power of time.
But once you trigger someone else's emotions and defenses in an argument, you instantly lose them. Whatever you say will roll off them and into the gutter. Especially if you hit a nerve, something personal. However, those virtues above will do much more good than any anger or self-righteous speeches.
For the record, I'm sorry. Truly and sincerely. If you're reading this and I have hurt you, please talk to me about it. It may bring up some old wounds, but I can promise you it's better than holding onto it. I didn't even know I'd hurt this old friend of mine (the one from the second argument) so long ago, until he brought it up I had absolutely no clue he felt that way. I'm glad he wasn't afraid to finally bring it up.
As humans, I think we need to stop holding these things in for such a long time. Give people a chance to make it right. Or at least apologize.
Okay.
That's it.
